Sick & Tired
How often in our lives have we heard the phrase ‘sick and tired’ either from the mouth of our mothers or from our own mouths for our children? I remember a comedy routine by Bill Cosby when he was referencing his childhood and his mother was scolding him with the beginning of the phrase ‘sick’ and he finished the ‘and tired’ and said he doesn’t remember anything after that. It is a phrase uttered by mothers when they are just at the end of the line and fed up with whatever situation is going on with the family.
I am a mother of a soldier now veteran of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. I’m not a politician, lawmaker, general or leader of a country. I do not make the decisions to send soldiers off to war but I do see first hand the destruction that war produces – not only on the body but on the spirit of the soldier as well as the family and those who love them. And yes, I’m sick and tired of wars in our world. As with so many mothers it isn’t the labor of pain that is unbearable, it is watching one’s child in pain – whether physical, mental or spiritual that is the most unbearable pain of all. I can look at my son see gaping wounds in his soul that need to heal for they are festering wounds of the horror the war left behind. I know my son doesn’t see the wounds that his family sees. He believes if he just gets his life back in order everything will be okay as before his multiple deployments.
PTSD falls heavy upon the soldiers but it also falls upon the family and friends of the soldier. My son is a veteran of two terms of deployment in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. He was sent to Iraq at the beginning of the war, remaining 12 months; came home for six months, went back for 12 more months, returned home for a year and then was sent to Afghanistan for 15 months. He is now out of the military at his choosing because his young family fell apart while he was at war on his third deployment and his children needed him home. It was a painful decision because he loved being a soldier and the military life. He is the type of soldier the military needs but the destruction that he could not stop, the protection he could not provide was happening to his young family and he made the decision to leave in order to be more for his children.
For so many years I spoke out against the abuse of our soldiers by our government for treating them as robots and androids as though their lives and their families’ lives are expendable. A few years back I had the privilege to sit down with six other military families members to speak to Ohio Senator George Voinovich. I brought the picture of my son and his family and showed him that my son is not a robot or an android but a human being putting his life on the line for our country. I wanted justification for the multiple deployments that ignore the needs of the humanity of the soldier. I also had the privilege of being included in a conference call with Ohio Senator Sharrod Brown in which I asked him when all our soldiers are finally home from these wars and later into their lives when all the horror they experienced comes vomiting out of them – who will be there to help clean it up and to help them heal.
There are two losses from such wars – the physical loss of life and the loss of a part of one’s soul/spirit. The men and women from these two wars have experienced over and over again and again one deployment after another without having a chance to heal from the last deployment. It didn’t help that a representative from Ohio commented that the lives our young men and women was a small price to pay for this war. It doesn’t help that the military and society has this hang-up about seeking mental help – viewed as a weakness more than a definitive need. And it certainly didn’t help when the country was told to look away and ‘pretend’ there is no war and to go about our lives as though everything is just fine, while a certain segment of our society – the military suffered in so many ways.
Those of us in military families who have spoken out against the war are met with ugliness and destructive comments from our fellow citizens among which we are called unpatriotic and un-American. I’ve had friends tell me to stop speaking out because it would ‘hurt my son’s career!’ Really? He’s been thrown into the fires of hell with several deployments for a war that was a lie and I’m hurting his career? Of course none of them had a loved one in the military so I ignored their ‘concern.’ I had other friends tell me that, hey, this war isn’t as bad as Vietnam – there haven’t been that many deaths! I sat and wondered – well tell that to the mother and dad, or the wife and children of the soldier who just died or to the young mother of the warring country holding her dead toddler in her arms and tell them that this isn’t as bad as Vietnam.
As a mother I want to just explode and say to others who seek war, who seek to destroy our world that “I’m Sick and Tired!” Somewhere leaders and fanatic religious within our world have decided that children – our children are needed to fight ‘their wars – their beliefs.’ As mothers of the world, who are we allowing to take our babies we now nurse and turn them into killing machines? As mothers of the world, who are we allowing to convince our children that suicide is a good thing to promote fanatic beliefs? As mothers of the world who are we allowing to use our children as robots while ignoring the humanity our child?
Have we learned nothing from our past histories that violence and killing only causes more violence and more killings? Holy prophets of all the great religions have been sent to give the message of peace and love. Why do powerful leaders and religious fanatics seem to always turn a deaf ear to such messages and why do they seem to have such a fear of these messages? Even in what they call justified wars it often leads to more wars and more killings of the innocents.
As a mother, I want to take these leaders who want war and killings and put them into a room and sit them down. They will be forced to come to a conclusion or never leave the room. Basically a permanent time-out until matters are resolved. However if they insist that fighting is the only answer then they are to strip and be naked of clothing and weapons, along with no food or water; just four walls and a concrete floor. The room could be freezing cold or horrifically hot. There will be no bodyguards, no one protecting them. It’s not about making things nice for them it is about facing their decision and not using others to make it happen. War is ugly and if they choose to fight then so be it – but no longer on their terms of using others. They will have to face each other because mothers around the world have decided that our children are not going to be used by such people for their agenda of violence.
No I’m not a politician, lawmaker, general or leader of a country. I’m also not naiveté of the powers of evil within our world or the need for military presence. I’m an American citizen and a mother of a veteran who has had enough. There is a March for Life happening every year in our nation’s capital with the focus on the life of the unborn. I believe that if people take the time to march for the child within the womb, then they must not stop “marching for life” once the child is born.
I’m a mother who is just sick and tired of the fact that we fail to learn these many years the destruction that war does to a person, to a family, and to a nation and ultimately the world. It must never be a knee-jerk reaction but the very last resort and then think again. I’m a mother who is so sick and tired of those who feed into violence as the only solution to a challenging situation. It is time for mothers to state; ‘not with my child and mean it.’
By Susan Handle Terbay
Gold Star Family Loses Another Son
On December 19, the day chosen by the Obama administration as the official end of the Iraq War, Brian Arredondo took his own life. His older brother, Alex, who “always wanted to be a Marine” was killed during his second combat tour, in Najaf, Iraq, on August 25, 2004, the day of his father’s 44th birthday.
Alex and Brian’s parents, Carlos and Melida Arredondo, have been longtime active members of Gold Star Families Speak Out.
To contribute to a fund to defray expenses of Brian’s funeral:
Brian Arredondo Memorial Fund
C/O Cooperative Bank
40 Belgrade Ave
Roslindale,MA 02131
To send a card or letter to Melida and Carlos:
11 Seymour St
Roslindale MA 02131
Military Family Appreciation Month
President Obama has declared November 2011 the first ever Military Family Appreciation Month.
What can MFSO do for Military Family Appreciation Month?
Please submit ideas in the comments, or email samantha@mfso.org
Military Families reflect on the end of the Iraq War
The nightmare continues…
From Pat Alviso and Jeff Merrick, Long Beach Ca. Parents of Marine who has been deployed 4 times
As a loving family, along with our son, who is a career Marine, we watched in horror when we invaded Afghanistan and the drumbeat for war lead into the senseless invasion and occupation of Iraq. Military families have paid dearly- over 4,000 of our loved ones are gone forever. Hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis dead. And it took all this time to finally get out of a war that should never have happened in the first place? People like us who are fighting for justice and against the misuse of our military are telling me they will believe it when they see it.
In our home, we take heart in the fact that our president has announced we will finally be out in December, even though this was a result of not being able to cut a deal with the Iraqi’s regarding troop accountability and that this was President Bush’s signed Status of Forces’ Agreement, not anything President Obama decided. Our son has been deployed twice to Iraq and twice to Afghanistan. He is scheduled to be re-deployed again in January. For us- and so many others- the nightmare continues.
The War Has Come to an End – for Whom?
From Susan Handle Terbay
Over 30 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I loved him from the moment I felt his movement inside my body and that love has never wavered. I nurtured him, taught him right from wrong. My life centered around him and his siblings.
That son went to war and returned a different son and I grieve. The military taught him how to take a life but not how to live a life after fighting in a war. The military taught him to disassociate his feelings – to become void of any feelings during a war but did not tell him how to allow feelings of love and joy to return.
The war I protested, the war that provided nothing to the world except destruction of humans from our soldiers to the innocents of the invaded country, has invaded the sanctity of my family and it never goes away. No one outside the family realizes the depth of wounds within our hearts as we watch my son’s struggles to heal and be normal in a society that praises him in one moment and completely ignores and abandons him in the next. We are his life-line and yet we are his enemy. It is a reality of so many military families of soldiers with PTSD. While my son suffers from PTSD – so too, do we as his family.
When the President stated that our soldiers were coming home from Iraq by the end of the year, I hesitantly smiled, waiting for the other shoe to drop and the conditions to be laid out. If it is true then what will our sons and daughters be coming home to in our country? Praise, of course; heroes, of course and then when all the glitter is gone what is left but a soldier and his/her family struggling to heal the wounds that forever bleed and to find laughter again when overwhelming sadness prevails deep within a soul. Society has a short memory and will turn on these young men and women if they fail to live up to our high standards of living. We used them and now we are done with them attitude has to end in this country and it is time we start to respect life of all humans.
The war is coming to an end but is it really?
When will we ever learn? Now is the time. Now let’s bring them home from Afghanistan. Now let us learn to live in peace and not have knee-jerk reactions that lead us to war and worse the loss of our young men and women – physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Now is the time to be the country who leads the world in life and living in peace and not the country who leads the world in its destruction.
War destroys so much and it never, ever ends for those it consumes!
Gold Star Families reflect on the end of the Iraq War
In Our Breath and On the Wind
From Celeste Zappala, Mother of Sgt Sherwood Baker, KIA 4/26/04 Baghdad
I heard the news of the war ending late on Friday. It seemed an odd time to release such serious news, and made my family and I think that this news was being treated just as the war has been treated for years, it is inconsequential to the American public, a bad after thought not even worth a prime time news conference.
We lost our beloved son Sherwood Baker to the war that never should have happened. He died protecting those looking for WMD long after everyone knew they were not there. He never comes back, he never gets to watch his son grow up, there is no chance for correction, his life was blown out of him on April 26, 2004. We knew it was wrong when it happened, we know it is still wrong, he and the other 4478 soldiers should have never been in Iraq in the first place.
So we can rejoice that a day will come when soldiers will not be in danger in Iraq, and we can pray that all those injured in body and spirit will be offered the healing they need and deserve. Can we promise them we as a Nation will never again send them in to wars based on lies? I fear not, I fear the business of war will always require a market, and unless we are all powerfully vocal, the idea of wars of choice will perpetuate.
For me, within my soul, I will always be in the windy cemetary hearing the guns salute my boy lying in his casket on the ground in front of me; that moment is as close as my breath, as is the last moment I held him close to me.
Yes the war is over, and for some of us, it will always be in our breath and on the wind.
A Sense of the Bittersweet
From Diane and Neil Santoriello, parents of 1st Lt. Neil A. Santoriello Jr., KIA 8-13-04
We have a sense of the bittersweet. So many lives wasted. Our son was the 930th soldier to die in Iraq There have been more than 3000 deaths since his. What will be the final total? Somewhere there is an American soldier who will be the last soldier to die in Iraq. Survivoring families are scarred forever. We welcome our troops homecoming but we hope the government will give them the help and support they need. Now we need to bring our troops home from Afghanistan and use our tax dollars to do nation building at home.
Iraq…My Reactions
From Cheryl Felder-Stuart, mother of Cpt Arthur “BO” Felder, killed 4/24/04
I am Cheryl Felder-Stuart my son Cpt Arthur “BO” Felder, commander of the 39th Infantry from Arkansas was killed on April 24, 2004. I am happy and I am thrilled that no other mother will have to suffer as I have. I have had two heart surgeries and I had to take a medical retirement since my son was killed. When we told my mother her oldest grand son was killed in Iraq she died.
THANK GOD this is over.
The Iraq War is ending, but the work continues…
As military families, we rejoice when any troops come home, and we are relieved our loved ones will never again be deployed to Iraq. However, we know that the war is not really over, not for military families, not for veterans, and not for the people of Iraq. It is not over for families with loved ones who will leave Iraq only to be redeployed to Afghanistan. For the families whose loved ones never returned from Iraq, or who took their own lives, or who returned with significant physical and psychological wounds, it will never really be over.
The people of Iraq will still be faced with private U.S. military contractors and years of rebuilding their country. In Iraq, it is not just the military but the entire country that will have to deal with the physical and psychological wounds of war. To add insult to injury, Defense Secretary Leon Pannetta recently announced that 40,000 troops will stay “in the region,” meaning the U.S. could easily have troops back on the ground in Iraq at any time.
There is still a lot of work to be done, and the voices of military families are more important than ever. We must continue working for an end to the war in Afghanistan, for better treatment of our service members, and for proper care for all veterans. We must hold our government accountable and continue to speak out.
As always, we say: “Bring ALL the troops home now, and take care of them when they get here!”
Weird Math: 1 Percent versus 1 Percent
MFSO Member Paula Rogovin reflects on Occupy Wall St.
On Saturday, October 8, 2011, members of Military Families Speak Out stood alongside members of Veterans For Peace and thousands of other people at Occupy Wall Street. We were so happy to see so many people from so many walks of life. Here was a place where the messages like the ones we carried: Support our troops, bring them home NOW! were part of the outcry from the many thousands at OWS. Our presence as veterans and military families was very well received. Yes, we are part of that 99%.
Being part of that 99% has been a life-long experience for me. I’ve been a New York City public school teacher for 38 years. We, members of the United Federation of Teachers, have marched and demanded over the years that the City stop the cuts and offer fair wages – only to see mayor after mayor do everything possible to keep our wages down while the Chancellor makes over $250,000 and non-union employees get huge raises. Testing companies, the book publishers, and the tech industry profits are going up.
Two weeks ago, we saw the layoff of over 700 workers – workers who are desperately needed at our schools.
Strangely, however, members of Military Families Speak Out (MFSO) are part of the 99%, but we are also part of the 1%. How could that be? MFSO is a national organization with over 4000 members whose loved ones are active duty in the military.
“Less than 1 percent of the U.S. population has been on active military duty at any given time during the past decade.” (Washington Post. 10/5/11)
Military families have seen our loved ones serve multiple deployments, often with little dwell time between the deployments. We have seen over 6282 of our loved ones killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Thousands of us have seen our loved ones wounded. We have seen our loves ones suffer amputations, traumatic brain injury, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and poisoning from Depleted Uranium and other toxins from US weapons. We have seen families torn apart by the traumas of these wars.
Our 1% is suffering directly from the wars imposed by the other 1% – the military industrial complex, the oil companies, big business – in collusion with many members of Congress who take multi-millions from industry lobbyists in exchange for keeping these wars going and going.
Our 1% wants to tell that other 1%, including many members of Congress: End the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Bring the troops and contractors home NOW. Take care of the troops when they get here. Bring the war dollars home for our communities – for jobs, education, health care, housing, and other services we need so badly. Meet the demands of the 99%.
— Paula Rogovin, of Teaneck, is with Military Families Speak Out, Bergen County chapter
Families prepare for challenges veterans face after returning home
Sacramento Bee
Sacramento area Military Families Speak Out (MFSO) presented a panel of experts to help local families cope with returning veterans struggling with a barrage of challenges: post-traumatic stress, traumatic brain injuries, substance abuse, divorce and a desolate job market.
And as many as 70 percent of the women and 40 percent of the men have been sexually abused in the military, said Carolyn Fink, a licensed clinic social worker with the Soldiers Project, Sacramento. “We have 18 veteran suicides a day nationwide, and that doesn’t count active military,” Fink said.
“The war will continue even after it’s ended for those scarred by their experience,” said Fred Guzman of Pathway Home, a residential care facility for 40 veterans in Napa. “The general public doesn’t understand that they may look OK, but their brains have been changed,” said Guzman. “One in three come back with some kind of social or psychological problem.”
They often feel they have two families – the family they left in the United States and their combat family, Guzman said. “Facing life and death is the hardest thing you’ll ever face; there’s nothing like it.”
Fink, who sees 8-12 veterans a week, said National Guard troops and reservists don’t qualify for medical benefits “if you’re not a wounded warrior.”
They often return to children who don’t know them, unstable families and loved ones walking on eggshells because they don’t know how to read their minds and moods, Fink said.
The veterans are often “very disillusioned about the world they live in and the service they provided to the country,” Fink said. “They realize there’s evil in the world, and they might see it in the mirror. And they suffer from a crisis of faith: ‘Whose God do I talk to? Whose God did all this s—?’ ”
The beefed-up GI Bill that pays for college “is a great thing, but too many are not ready,” paralyzed by fear, Fink said.
Some find it too hard to readjust to loved ones who’ve also been changed by the war. They prefer to return to their combat unit where they know what’s expected.
The experts met with several families who described how the wars have affected them.
Laurie Loving, a Davis peace activist who helped organize the event, said she was terrified when her son got married, enlisted at 19 and was deployed to Mosul in war-torn northern Iraq in August 2005.
“It took me 13 months to get my blood pressure down, I gained 40 pounds and went on disability retirement,” Loving said.
Many get married too young, unprepared for long separations and the stress of war – a prescription for heartbreak, Loving said. “My son and at least half the nine men in his unit either divorced or their girlfriends broke up with them during the year they were deployed in Iraq.”
Loving’s son, a team leader and a sergeant, was prepared to re-enlist until she bribed him with $13,000 tax-free – more than double the army’s re-enlistment bonus, she said. He’s since graduated from the Culinary Institute of America.
Loving was in position to help her son financially, but others parents can’t.
Many young people, approached by recruiters in high school, enlist because they feel they have no other economic options.
Terry and Jamie Meador of Roseville said that’s why their son Mike, 21, enlisted. “He was making $9 an hour at Starbucks, and when all of your non-collegiate jobs disappear, he felt this was a viable option,” said Jamie, wiping away tears. “He’s been in Afghanistan for five months. We don’t support the war, we support the soldiers.”
Zoreh Whitaker, who opened her home to the military families Sunday, said she’s seen families destroyed by returning veterans who’ve been charged with rape, kidnapping and other crimes.
Whitaker said her son Christopher served two tours in Iraq and now trains military medics. “He’s nervous, his leg’s constantly tapping,” said Whitaker, “but he likes the military, he likes the brotherhood. I’m a pacifist; I don’t want somebody to knock on my door.”
Vacaville’s Patrick Sheehan and his ex-wife Cindy got that knock in 2004 after their son, who entered the service as a chaplain, was killed in action in Iraq.
“I know exactly where he is; I won’t have to worry any more,” he said. “We need to bring them home now and take care of them when they get here. They deserve to be helped – they’re not charity.”
Read more: http://www.sacbee.com/2011/10/17/3984486/a-harrowing-homecoming-preparing.html#ixzz1bFtPmlAn